How To Talk So Kids Will Listen

Anger is Never the Right Way

2010-01-17T06:00:00.000-07:00

Anger is Never the Right Way

By Rick Gostovich

Anger is never the right way

Sometimes when we are in the middle of correcting our child, or we are feeling
frustrated by some outside force, we can actually take our anger out on our
children.
It is imperative that you don’t do this because it can hurt your relationship with
your child and can hurt their self-confidence.

The next time you are feeling angry or frustrated with something and you
feel yourself giving into your anger and directing it at your child, I want you to try one
of the following.

Remove yourself from the situation:

One of the best things to do is toremove yourself before you begin yelling or lashing out.
Take a walk, leave the room, or ask someone, preferably your partner,
to step in and correct your child for you if you are unable to do so without being angry.

Talk to someone:

If you find that you are angry a lot of the time, there may be more to your frustrations
than just your child misbehaving. Take the time to talk to someone
about your problems and you may find that you’re not as angry.

Count to ten:

If may seem like such an old cliché, but it really does work. Before you correct your child,
take a deep breath and slowly count to ten. Usually that count will allow you to
calm down enough to deal with the situation with an even temper.

Think about why you’re angry:

Before you correct your child, think about why you are angry.
If it has nothing to do with the behavior, it may indicate to you that now is not the
right time to correct your child.
If you’re angry because you were scared by an action, you may want to
explain that to your child.
‘When you climbed up onto the roof, I felt very scared.’

Own the emotion:

It is okay to be angry from time to time, but it isn’t okay to lash out at your child.
However, when you are angry, make sure that you own that emotion.
It is okay to let your child know that you are angry,
but don’t place the blame for that anger on him.

Put yourself in your child’s shoes:

Before you direct your anger towards your child,
put yourself in their position.
How would you feel? Would you be scared? Angry?
If all the emotions that the thought conjures to mind are negative,
then this is not the right way to talk to your child.

Don’t forget yourself:

Many times anger can be alleviated simply by taking time to pamper yourself.
Don’t forget to set aside some time for you to do something.
It can be as simple as taking a bath and there are many ways to
pamper yourself without needing a baby sitter to do it.
If you find that this exercise doesn’t help you with managing your anger,
it may be time to phone a family support helpline to get help.

Let your child know that you still love him:

One problem with many punishments is that they tend to punish
the child and not the actual problem.What I mean by this is that children
believe that they are the ones being bad and not doing something bad.
It may be hard to understand the difference but when
you are correcting your child, you should avoid saying things like,
‘You are being bad right now,’ and say things like, ‘Your behavior is very
inappropriate right now,’ or ‘Hitting people is a bad thing to do.’
Your child is not bad but hitting is. When you do correct him,
make sure he knows you still love him, you just don’t love the behavior.

Make correction finite:

When you do correct your child, make sure that you keep the consequences limited.
They should have clear times, for example, a time out should only be for x amount of minutes
(x is usually one minute per year of age) and shouldn’t last forever.
If you take a toy away, it should again, be for x amount of time.
Correction should not drag on and on because the lesson is lost in the infinite.

Talk about things:

Although it may seem appropriate to simply walk away from the correction
and not discuss things, the time after a consequence is a good time to talk about things.
Reasons why it wasn’t a good to hit, or what they could have done instead.
Talking after the correction is a good way to provide closure for the incident
and it is important to encourage your child to talk about his feelings when you are talking.

Don’t hold a grudge:

Lastly, when the consequence is over, never hold the behavior over the child.
Continue on with life and don’t make them feel guilty after the fact.
Think of the time after the consequence as a fresh start and go from there.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When you buy the ebook, and hopefully you will. You also get several bonus features.
formost is "How to talk so kids will listen"
In addition to that most excellent ebook you will receive, "common childhood malidies"
and a really good piece of information on how to "keep your kids safe from internet preditors".
Last but not least by any means is statistical report on the benifits of music to your pre-natal baby.
There have been some extensive studies on the subject and some very cool findings.

Thanks for reading,
Rick Gostovich
http://getkidstolisten.com/
_______________________________________________________________________________
http://www.findforextrading.com/

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen: Keeping Your Kids Safe From Online Predators

2009-11-16T13:37:00.000-07:00

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen: Keeping Your Kids Safe From Online Predators

Keeping Your Kids Safe From Online Predators

2009-11-12T01:12:00.001-07:00

How do you know if your child is in danger of encountering a perpetrator? Here are
some tell-tale signs you should spot:

• If your child starts to detach from the rest of the family. They don’t eat at the
dinner table or accompany the family on outings. They become detached from
school and other activities they used to enjoy.

• The child doesn’t talk to their family as much as they used to. When a sex
offender or perpetrator tries to lure them away, they’ll plant false images in the
child’s mind. The child in turn, creates a separation between themselves and their
families.

• Your child is suddenly getting gifts from someone you’ve never met or heard of.
This is another way the offender tries to separate the child from their family. The
offender will send things that the child likes in order to get their attention.

• The offender will make it seem like they are the only ones the like the child and
are looking out for their best interests. Some offenders will go as far as sending
them a plane ticket to meet them.

• If you happen to come in the room and your child abruptly changes to another
website or screen, there’s a chance they may be looking at something that they’re
not supposed to look at. If they’re looking at sexually charged content, they do
not want you to see it. They don’t want to suffer the consequences.

• In order to divert attention from their online account, you child will use someone
else’s account to access sexually charged content or connect with the sex
offender. They’ll either go to the library or a friend’s place to do this.

• Phone calls for your child will increase and they won’t be from their friends,
either. It will be from people that parents have never heard of or met. Or, they
can be long distance phone numbers that parents don’t know about.
Some perpetrators talk with the children to get them sexually aroused. This way,
they can get them in the mood to set up a date for a real sexual encounter.

• If parents find that their child spends a lot of time on the internet, this may be a
problem. It could definitely surface as a problem if the child is online during the
late evening hours when they should be sleeping.

• They’ll also stay online during the weekends. They’ll spend a lot of time in the
chat rooms. If they are home alone after school, this is a perfect set up for the
perpetrator.

They will either have the child call them back or they’ll get the child’s phone number
from the child themselves. Some perpetrators have even gone so far as to get a toll-free
number so the parents would think that it might be a company calling. This way, they
would be able to throw the parent off as to who is actually calling.

This is not good because there is no guidance or control during this time. While the
parents are working, the child has their way and is in free reign of the computer.
If they’re not focused on what they’re supposed to be doing, they can easily get
sidetracked with people trying to lure them for sexual encounters or they could get
hooked on pornography at a young age.

In order to get their young victims to open up, sex offenders may send the child
pornographic images. They try to instill in the child that those sexual relations between
children and adults is natural. Parents should be cognizant of what is on the computer. A
child may also copy the sexually explicit pictures on a disk to put away.

If parents have a suspicion that their child is headed for danger, there are some things
they can do before it gets worse:

Rick Gostovich
http://www.getkidstolisten.com

post

2009-10-11T18:17:00.002-06:00

There are signs that point towards neglect, abuse and endangerment.

2009-10-11T16:39:00.000-06:00

A child that is abused and or neglected may show signs of poor nutrition and it is likely hygiene and medical care needs, such as appointments and prescriptions are being met. Some signs that may indicate a child is being neglected include inadequate or inappropriate clothing, malnutrition, unsafe,unsanitary or unclean living conditions, dehydration and untreated medical conditions. The children of abusive caregivers may also appear passive, overly compliant or withdrawn. Schoo lchildren may show up early, stay late and may, understandably,not want to go home.

If you have a reason to believe that a parent or caregiver is perpetrating child abuse and neglect, then you want to check for signs, such as showing little or no concern for the child. While discipline helps a child learn a lesson that will have positive affects behavior, abuse will only affect behavior in a negative way, which will likely lead to deviant behavior. They often view the child as an object rather than a person and have no trouble demeaning the child, both publicly and privately. They may also demand a level of excellence, either physically or academically, that is impossible to achieve.

At the center of every community's efforts to prevent childabuse is an agency that is a division within local and state social services called the Child Protection Services (CPS) or DFS Department Of Family Services. They are mandated by law to conduct an initial assessment and investigation upon receiving a child abuse report. Fortunately, they are assisted in their efforts to bring an end to child abuse and neglect by law enforcement officers and healthcare providers and educators, along with numerous other agencies. It takes theeffort of every individual and community to work together to identify, investigate, end the mistreatment of our children.

Rick Gostovich
Webmaster / Author
Talkig To Kids Blogspot
Get Kids To Listen.com

communication tips for parents: Talking over your child

2009-09-18T08:41:00.000-06:00

communication tips for parents: Talking over your child

Effective way to use Enforceable Statements

2009-09-07T07:53:00.001-06:00

Guidance to young children can be effective only when good communication exists between the parents and children. Good communication builds self esteem and mutual respect in the child.
One of the basic principles of having an effective communication is to desist from using unenforceable statements and using enforceable statements instead. An example of unenforceable statement would be “Don’t you shout at me “. An enforceable statement would, on the other hand could be “I am listening to what you are saying, so be calm.”
The child expects that you as a parent should be interested and involved in the child’s problems. You should avoid speaking on the phone when the child has something important to tell you. To embarrass a child in front of others is never good communication. If you have to instruct a child when others are present, use an enforceable statement. Using any language other than an enforceable statement would generate hostility in the child.
If any behavior or any incident has incurred your wrath, try to cool down first, talk to the child only later making an enforceable statement e.g. “A good child never talks or does this. Why should you then?”
We are often prone to talk in an adult language to a child and tend to preach and moralize. We say,”I know what is good for you “or “Don’t ask questions. Just do it.” These are not enforceable statements and keep the child wondering. Refrain from making statements like—“You know nothing, you are but a child.” for again these are not enforceable statements, which the child can appreciate and feel confident about.
Children look for positive attention. They need to feel loved and encouraged. If we use appreciative language, the child pays more attention to you and tries harder to make you happy. “I am proud of you”, “Very nice”, “Much better,” “You are doing better now-a-days “are some of the expressions of encouragement a child would like to hear.
Children often complain that their parents do not listen to them. It is necessary to be attentive when they talk. We should not keep watching T.V. or busy ourselves in some petty errands when they talk to us. Speak in a quiet voice as though you are talking to friends. Use enforceable statements to distinguish between right and wrong.

Talking over your child

2009-09-06T03:42:00.000-06:00

Getting Kids to Listen

By Rick Gostovich

To avoid talking over your child, try using some of the tips below.

.. Don’t have adult conversations around him: Before you launch into a
conversation with another adult, think about whether it is appropriate for young
ears to hear. If it isn’t, don’t have the conversation until they are nowhere to be
seen.

.. Don’t believe that he is engaged in play: I remember hearing a story from
a friend about her 3 year old. She was busy having a conversation with a friend
that was a bit negative about another person. They were busy complaining about
things that the third person did while her son colored on the floor below them.
Not a thought was given to her son, who they assumed was absorbed in his task,
that was until he looked up and commented in a most inappropriate manner,
about their conversation. It is a simple story but it really illustrates that even
when we think they are engaged, that they are actually listening.

.. Plan adult conversations for after hours: This is a very good point when it
comes to conversations with your partner. If you need to talk about something
your children can’t be an active part of, then set aside some time after they go to
bed to have the conversation.

.. Ask your child to leave the room: Sometimes life forces us to have an adult
conversation when your children are awake and it is okay to ask them to leave the
room for a few minutes or to find a space where you can talk. One of the best
ways is to engage them in an activity and then tell them that you will be right
back after your finished talking.

.. Have conversations that kids can be part of: This can be done when
people are visiting and it is perfectly okay. Children love to be part of the adult
scene and will be overjoyed that there is a conversation going on that they can be
part of. Sure, this may not be a big conversation and may simply be about a park
you visited but your child will appreciate being a part of it.

communication tips for parents: getting kids to listen and hear

2009-09-02T09:41:00.000-06:00

communication tips for parents: getting kids to listen and hear

Using enforceable statements to communicate with your kids

2009-08-28T23:23:00.000-06:00

The birth of a child brings with itself warm love and cute cuddly fantasies full of teddy-bears, candies and everything sweet. Parenting the child however, brings with itself sleepless nights, questions, answers and unending arguments. Be it an 8 year old or an 18year old, getting kids to listen is a gigantean feat unconquered by most parents.

“Clean your room” you say and the kid just rolls eyes and walks out of the room. Or, “put your toys in its place” you say and the next time you come out of the kitchen, you were about to go skating down the hall way on your kids toy car. These are just some of the very few unenforceable statements. Getting kids to listen with anger, sarcasm and frustration just fuel misbehavior therefore creating an emotional and mental power struggle between the parents and their precious little ones.

So getting kids to listen, how is that possible? The job can be done by fusing the heart and the mind, logic and love. Getting kids to listen can be accomplished by using enforceable statements, making kids feel like they are ALSO in control of the situation. They feel like they have a choice. And they do choose for the better. With these statements parents don’t get into tizzy situations, where they seem like trying to get control over certain things that are almost uncontrollable. Getting kids to listen with enforceable statements could take some patience but the results are achieved with persistence in usage. Getting kids to listen with enforceable statements enlighten them what the parent would allow or do.

Some examples for getting kids to listen using enforceable statements are as follows:

I’ll listen as soon as your voice is as calm as mine.

I keep the toys I have to pick up. You can keep the ones you pick up.

I’ll do all of the things I do for you around here when I’m feeling respected

Parents are born with the birth of their child. They are not “born parents”, with innate talent or patience to tackle their kids and their resistance to do certain things. That said no child wants to face a howling harpy in the morning or any other time. If getting kids to listen is what you want to achieve use enforceable statements, and cut down the nagging, bickering and bring back the “YAAY on a HOLIDAY”.

Kids Don't Listen? Read on..

2009-08-21T06:39:00.000-06:00

Using enforceable statements to communicate with your kids

Children can be affectionate, adorable, intelligent and absolutely fun to be with! But try getting kids to listen to you or carry out simple tasks, then watch them suddenly develop a severe case of deafness! You may want your child to get ready for bed or pick up his scattered toys or simply eat his food but he will simply sit there and pretend not to hear you! The end result is always the same: irritated parents who resort to shouting or blatant threats to get the work done!

Disciplining your children: getting kids to listen to you the right way!

Being a parent is not easy especially if you are holding down a job, cooking and cleaning for a family. Tempers will inevitably run short when children do not cooperate with basic tasks like cleaning their own rooms. Frankly, children cannot be pushed to do something they don’t want to. If you have a toddler, then you know how a typically stressful situation will develop. Your child may not like to eat veggies (which child does?), you push to get him to eat and it results in a shouting match with your toddler having a temper tantrum and you looking like a fool. Ultimately the veggies get thrown out! Children are learning to get independent and every request will inevitably be met with a return query. Getting kids to listen to sharp commands like “eat your vegetables or else” will just get them into a power struggle where no one wins! The most common response you will get with that command will be, “but I don’t like veggies,” or something like “why do I have to?”

Getting kids to listen to you: hints and tips!

One simple way of getting kids to listen is if you use statements that tell your child what you will do instead of what you want them to do. Explaining the process is as simple as linking a good treat with an essential chore. For example, imagine the reaction when you use positive comments like “I would love to give you the chocolate cake I have ready once you’ve finished your vegetables” This is a great way to set limits as well as provide rewards without looking like a fool. The veggies get eaten along with a slice of chocolate cake and both of you are happy! A win-win situation for everyone concerned!

Getting kids to listen with enforceable comments!

Using enforceable (positive) comments like these make your child feel independent and partly in command of the situation. And of course, it saves you from looking like a nagging harpy! Getting kids to listen to you will be easier and less stressful on everyone involved in the process. Your kids know what to expect from you if they accomplish the task and it cuts down on a lot of the arguing.

Getting kids to listen to you is not easy but it’s not too tough either if you know how!

communication tips for parents: getting kids to listen and hear

2009-08-17T14:37:00.000-06:00

communication tips for parents: getting kids to listen and hear

Using Enforceable Statements

2009-08-13T08:08:00.000-06:00

On the other day when I was waiting for my train, I saw a young mom with her child of 8 years. The child and the mother were engaged in a conversation when all of a sudden, the child screamed in full public glare, “I don’t want you, I don’t want you mom”. The child was uncontrollable and it was obvious it was impossible to make him listen. Why is that the present day kids are louder in their protest? How do we make them listen?

It’s important to realize that present day scenarios are different when compared to our parent’s time. The child of today will not follow the list of guidelines imposed by us, may be they worked when our parents used them on us!! It’s important to communicate to kids properly so that kids listen to what we say. The success of effective parenting begins by analyzing and decoding how kids decipher our thoughts and action.

On the parental side, we could help ourselves and our kids by planning a list of things – how we handle kids basically is an internal reflection of how we handle our emotions during a crunch situation. Our emotions find their way to kids through our words. How do we use these words so that kids listen to us? Effective communication through enforceable statements always helps our kids. The parent expresses the behavioral expectation to the child without using any threatening words, without being angry or bore them with long sermons. For example, in the above situation the parent could have calmed the child using words like: “Child, I am here to listen, but I want to hear your soft voice”. How do you talk to kids when they disturb while you talk on phone? “I will ready to hear you when I am done with the phone” How do you react to undue expectations? “I will let you know after a word with your dad/ mom” How do you tackle children talking back, “I will be happy to help when I feel respected”

Try this amazing methodology and enjoy parenting!! After all, its fun to be around with kids!

Communication Tips For Parents

Anger: When to use it

2009-08-12T18:33:00.000-06:00

Anger should be used like any other parenting tool, "only when its appropriate!"
Determine who owns the problem. If its the kids problem then it should always be met with empathy. Its thier mess.
As Parents, If our kids mistakes only hurt them and not us, there is no gain in responsibility if you shout at them, while they are working it out.
Only by commiserating with them can a gain in their responsibility be won.
When the kids do something that effects us directly--Don't return something of ours that they borrow, Leave their toys in the driveway--Then its's ok for a Parent to get a little bent.
They will learn that we are angry because their actions have effected us.

Get kids to listen

getting kids to listen and hear

2009-07-31T15:29:00.000-06:00

What you say: "You're the best!" What they hear: "Your job in life is to make me happy." A better way to say it: "You should be proud of how hard you worked." For years, we've been told that boosting a child's self-esteem is important to his or her success in life. But child experts are now learning that too much praise can backfire. Praise-aholic tykes who expect it at every turn may become teens who seek the same kind of approval from their friends when offered a joint or asked if they want to go in the backseat of the car. The implication of saying "You're the prettiest girl in class," or talking about the goals she scored but not her overall effort, is that you love her only when she looks the best, scores the highest, achieves the most. And this carries over to the classroom. Social psychologist Carol Dweck, PhD, tested the effects of overpraise on 400 fifth graders while she was at Columbia University. She found that kids praised for "trying hard" did better on tests and were more likely to take on difficult assignments than those lauded for being "smart." "Praising attributes or abilities makes a false promise that success will come to you because you have that trait, and it devalues effort, so children are afraid to take on challenges," says Dweck, now at Stanford University. "They figure they'd better quit while they're ahead." For more information on getting kids to listen go to www.getkidstolisten.com